Tag Archives: Subconscious Mind

THE GOLDEN EGG- Conclusion

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I had dinner with a very strongly opinionated local French girl who had a near death experience.  She said, “you probably meditate all wrong”.  My ego reacted with self righteous indignation, “how dare she!”  I explained, politely for the most part,  that she was obviously full of shit because I had learned from the best of the best.  And, every day for years I did this routine…20 minutes, incense and candles, emptying my mind..blah blah blah.  She said you’re just chasing the good feelings, the light (well, who wouldn’t want to do that, that’s the point, right?); but what about really feeling the dark shadow side?”  (These are my words, not her exact words).  

I’m thinking, where you focus is what your reality becomes.  Where your energy level is, is the place from which you create your thoughts, emotions, your projections, your reality.   Well, they say, when you’re ready, the teacher appears.  I seem to have a flock of them, dropping out of the sky, showing up at the end of my driveway or from behind the barn.  I pay attention to some of them right away and others….maybe I have an “Aha” moment a year or two later.

…For example, a year ago, I met this stranger on an airplane.  He referred a book to me that had some “aha” things that I felt were important for me to know at this time. Ironically, a year ago I was not yet at this point, which is probably why I carried his note around for months, even losing it from time to time.   Only recently had I become intrigued with examining Big Love, to find my version of the “Golden Egg”. 

I found the referred book to be all Quantum and combined Eastern and Western Philosophies.  It spoke more specifically to the interplay of light and darkness, and other dualities that cause chaos within ourselves and in our Universe….

The book that Airplane guy wrote down for me was “The Science and Practice of Humility” by Jason Gregory.  It turns out that Jason is a teacher and international speaker specializing in the fields of Eastern and Western philosophy, comparative religion, metaphysics, and ancient cultures, studying the masters in Buddhism, Gnosticism, Hermeticism, Hinduism, and Taoism and produced the Sacred Sound of Creation.”  I have gathered and would like to share some concepts as I understood them, as well as excerpts from his book.  I found it all quite interesting and believe it to be my next stepping stone in my search for “Big Love.”

Jason Gregory says, “The mind is like a paint brush and the world we see is our canvas.  Mental alchemy is the art of manifestation, which is not as simple as thinking glorious thoughts.  Throughout the ages these teachings have given rise to the illusion that we can create our own reality by just focusing on what we want.  That is only an attempt to gain something in the material world to boost and perpetuate the ego.  It maintains the illusion of separation.  A mental projection coming from the ego won’t be what we truly want or need.  Such delusions will not result in the manifestation of our conscious projections.  In such a case attention will not be focused in one place, and there will be no force behind it to become a reality.  Those who attempt to create their own reality from the egotistical side of their psyche are no better than those who are not aware that they create their own reality.  Both are contributing to a collective projection of chaos and entropy because their mental states are not focused in one direction.”

The core of our spiritual awareness is to know that the universe is not separate from us but we are joined as one living, breathing conscious organism.  If we are the eyes of the universe, we see that all of the war and discord on one level is actually harmony on a higher level.  The chaos is necessary and is the rhythm of the eternal harmony.

                     ALCHEMY AND THE PHYSICAL PLANE

Physical Relationship Relative to Subatomic Particles:

Most of our problems throughout the cosmos originate from our not understanding how subatomically our world is connected to our thoughts and emotions.  “Subatomic particles are controlled by the mental plane of consciousness, which creates the physical world.”  Thus we create the reality we experience, every moment of it.  We are distracted by ego, which focuses on the inauthentic “love and light” and wants only to experience pleasant realities.

Physical Projection and Mental Alchemy::

If we can understand the energetic world, we will begin to understand why certain situations and events cross our paths.  Soon we will gain a deeper knowing and intuition.  The physical world is only energy driven and shaped from the mental plane by the energy of the mind.  Magnetic opposites, the physical and mental planes exist under a universal law that allows one to flow to the other.

“Physical matter is condensed energy formed and created by the force of the mind.  The wisdom traditions of eternity know we create our own reality…..focusing their energy on the mental plane toward conscious manifestation, they created an ancient science known as ‘mental alchemy.’  Alchemy is the science of turning mental thoughts into golden projections upon the physical world or, in other words, turning the lead of the ego into gold.”

To find out who you are, you can use the art of mental alchemy  by exploring your consciousness to discover the things that are natural to your inner being.  “Then your energy will naturally flow toward that passion and then your art will be expressed on the physical plane – hence you create your own reality.  One of the main goals in mental alchemy is exactly this discover of one’s purpose, which leads one down the path toward deeper realization of the true self that unfolds like a flower.”

EGO AND CHOAS

Focusing on Love and Light is not the answer:

He says,  that individuals who believe they are creating their own reality by just focusing on ‘love and light’ while ignoring our darker aspects of being, are contributing to the disruption and chaos. “The result of ignorance within our being is that the subatomic world we create manifests as the physical world in a perpetual state of war.  This stimulates a deep fear of all life, which maintains the illusion of separation.  War is nothing more than a symptom of an individual’s conditional psyche projected into the physical plane.”

Duality and the price we pay in our search for Pleasure only:

We are focused on the illusion, as human beings, of being separate.  This breeds fear but fear is not the enemy.  Fear can be a guide to become more humble.  We do not want to feel fear or pain, so we control that instinct by seeking pleasure.  This is a control based on duality and denies that the existence of both pain and pleasure are not really separate feelings.  Pain can only exist because we know pleasure and vice versus.

If we truly knew this and were able to genuinely embrace both, then we would not be gripped by fear and pain.  When we identify with pleasure, we then cling to it, trying to hold on; but this only contributes to a form of suffering.  In actuality, the moment we seek to hold on, we have lost the pleasure of being in that moment of pleasure.  We become so attuned to the false ego that this creates the disharmonic state of mankind.

Healing Chaos:

We want to believe that the chaos of the world –such as political, social, or religious–can be rectified leading us to our next evolutionary step.  Evolution is dependent upon the growth of the individual and not the order of a society.  Dwelling within the body-mind state of consciousness, we are trying to heal a chaotic world with a chaotic mind.  When we believe they we are the identity of ego, we believe in separation.  Separation is the seed of chaos.   The flaw exists in all of us and our world is a reflection of that.

SEPARATION FROM EACH OTHER AND GAIA

Most of us do not understand that we are part of Earth, not separate from it.  That belief is apparent today more than ever as we challenge, insult and destroy our planet, our home, thinking of it as a place to live without truly knowing that it is ‘conscious intelligence’.  Ego is a manufactured mental program that operates within most sentient beings, keeping the physical plane in a state of chaos. We see the planet in a narrow form and don’t see ourselves as an integral part of a grand planetary unfoldment.   “Ego is the ultimate extension of a planetary system’s sensitivity” but cannot see that the universe is constantly unfolding.  Nothing begins and nothing ends. It just changes.

We accept the illusion that the source of the universe and eternity are found outside of our consciousness in the external world.  This includes socially accepted slavery through transactions to obtain what we call money.  This makes us even more separate in what often appears to be a dog eat dog world.

Duality and Ego Transcendence:

“The duality existing within the mental framework is built on the premise that there is the false ego and the true self.  The problem with this view is the fact that the ego does not exist.  Many people who tread the path of spiritual cultivation make a common mistake in this view of their own mental framework-after identifying the ego chattering within their head, they set out to battle against it.  Some arrogantly set off to transcend the mind, not realizing that nothing is more egotistic than that.”

To transcend the mind, we must empty our mind in order to reestablish connection with the spiritual plane.  This is the only space where duality no longer exists and opposites within and without dissolve.

Separation and Conflict:

“Humility allows the universe to be what it is, looking upon it with the same clarity as the child who sees the world with no boundaries. As the dance of chaos continues, the humble individual is unfazed, as they do not doubt their own experience.  The idea that the world needs to be saved is a conditional opinion, based on our fears and anxieties, which feed our ego.  The opinion of one is the opposite of another, which fuels conflict.”

SO WHAT ABOUT BIG LOVE?

It’s Bigger than carnal Love:

Throughout the ages, a collective parasite has infected us with the illusion that carnal love is real love.” Believing that our animal drives are love suppresses the evolution of consciousness.”  True Love is limitless and sexual desire is a distant cousin which only ties us to the animal kingdom.

Conditional vs. Unconditional Love:

“Loving an individual or some object is conditioned by ideas and opinions about how the other and object should be”.  This is not the attuned and receptive nature of the universe, thus it cannot be humility or love.  “What love truly is cannot be experienced unless one is humbly receptive to all experience.”  When we finally truthfully realize that love is unconditional, and not bound by the limitations of our judgments, only then can we let go of the common conceptual idea of love.  In the great work of eternity, if we can truly let love go, then our real love will become present. False love is also a symptom of the illusion that the great work of eternity is in the external world.”

Every person who I’ve met that has experienced a “Near Death Experience” or every NDE’r who’s book I have read, talks about the profound understanding that all of us are connected and how they can suddenly telepathically understand everyone else.

Jason says, “One of the resulting insights into consciousness is that even though individuals appear separate from all life in the physical plane, we are more intrinsically interwoven into the fabric of matter than we can imagine.  In this pure seeing we can gain knowledge that we are not only an integral part of the cosmos, but are in truth the eyes and the ears of the cosmos and planet Earth.”

From Lao-tzu’s eternal scripture the Tao Te Ching, on Duality

When people see some things as beautiful,

other things become ugly.

When people see some things as good,

other things become bad.

Being and no-being create each other.

Difficult and easy support each other.

Long and Short define each other.

High and low depend on each other.

Before and after follow each other.

Therefore the Master

acts without doing anything

and teaches without saying anything.

Things arise and she lets them come;

things disappear and she lets them go.

She has but doesn’t possess,

acts but don’t expect.

When her work is done, she forgets it.

That is why it lasts forever. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE YOUNG POPE- Part II

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…..Abandoned by his parents at a young age, The Young Pope daydreamed about the perfection of that first love, of a particular day in Colorado by a lake when life was all good and he basked in the love of his parents for him and for each other.  The unmet expectation of this everlasting love from a child’s point of view ultimately broke his heart.  His parents dropped him at an Orphanage telling him they had to go to Venice.  They never came back.

As a young adult, Lenny was filled with anger, shame and despair.  He prayed to and sometimes yelled at a God he was not sure existed or heard him.  He was able to perform unexplained miracles for others when he could not mend the pain of his own aching heart.  He lived his life through the eyes of that pain. 

As he gave his first public speech, and perhaps his last, he caught a glimpse of his parents turning their backs on him once more and disappearing into the crowd.  This unhealed pain, still living within his heart took him to his knees……

As Christians we are told from a very young age that God is love. But God, the unsolved mystery, is not a concept we can possibly fully grasp. The Young Pope movie gave me pause to think a little more about how God’s love is so often experienced and refracted through the lens of love we are shown, (or not shown) by the people who raised us initially, our first Gods.  As children we could feel love if love was present; but few of us can claim to understand love, especially unconditional love, any more than we understand what God is, where he is or “who God is”.

Lenny was like so many of us who have perceived abandonment, in some way or another, during some point in our lives.  But, for Lenny or kids who are adopted, it’s an entirely understandable and blatant form of abandonment. The only thing a child can “think” or intuit is that they are not worthy of love. Ironically, we were taught conditional love by others and then we grew up to love ourselves just as conditionally as did our parents.  Until we can choose differently, going forward, we will bring others into our lives who rarely are capable of loving us more than we are able to love ourselves.  And, we are unable to love ourselves until we first accept the light and shadow sides of our existence; until we can integrate our subconscious and conscious minds.

Infants presumably have been imprinted with the love vibration of God but must feel the jolt of being thrust into this altered dimensional reality. Ultimately, they will be bombarded and impacted by the introduction of a plethora of lower frequencies during their infancy. Few of us, as parents realized that we were imprinting in our children our own emotional neuropathways (and baggage) just as our mother had imprinted her’s while we were invetro. With emotion our first and only language, we felt the emotions of others as if they were our own.

While we may have been too young to process the things that happened to us in our first seven years, egocentrically we knew it had everything to do with us. The love we experience as a human being is conditional, sometimes more in some cases then others. I can’t imagine that there is one among us that has not felt the sting of abandonment at some time in our life.  Most times these feelings of abandonment are perceived by a young mind, too immature to process what is really happening.  Because emotion is our first and only language during our first few years, we were incapable of profound or mature rationalization.  This is why Lenny, a grown man, was reduced to a flood of tears not unlike that of a child when he was rejected once more by his parents.  This is why when emotions become raw, many times we respond from the perspective of our injured child, throwing an irrational tantrum.

You were probably told somewhere along the way that you were bad.  You may have felt that you were not the perfect child or that your sibling was loved more than you.  Maybe you felt stupid or clumsy or ugly.  Maybe you coped by soliciting trouble, whining or complaining in order to get attention from your parents, teachers, or peers.  Even though, ashamed, you knew it didn’t make others want to be around you, at least you got some form of attention.  I’m guessing that unworthiness undermines love, to some degree, in every experience of being human.

As we grow older, we play out these same imprinted underlying beliefs over and over; attracting different situations and people into our lives that will provide us yet another opportunity to see that we are worthy of acceptance and love after all.  The only one that we ever needed to prove it to all along was ourselves.

While we may not even remember most of the circumstances that undermined our beliefs about love and ourselves growing up, rest assured, they are indelibly recorded, every word and every image. We are like puppets on a string being played by a master puppeteer who knows things about our lives that we may not even know exist because they were so deeply suppressed.  That puppeteer is our subconscious self.

Perhaps we came to this incarnation to experience the exhilaration of being rich, madly in love, powerful and/or famous. Even though I doubt we stood before God on the other side and said, I want to go to Earth to experience being a Pedophile in the Catholic Church, or to feel shame and helpless against addiction, anything is possible.  As intrepid Spirits who wanted to learn the fast way, perhaps this is exactly what our higher self needed to experience.  These difficult experiences may be just the catalyst necessary in order to truly know and love ourselves inside our human experiences.

In the movie, Juana, a young blessed saint told the children, “God does not allow himself to be seen, God does not shout, God does not whisper, God does not write, God does not hear, God does not comfort us”. Although we may want to believe that God exists, loves us, hears us and will save us; in reality all we really have is our faith.  So perhaps, the answer to “who is God?” as given by Juana is as good as any, “God smiles.”  Maybe that is as close as we ever come to God …. the feeling that we get when we smile through the eyes of our soul.

I’M NOT MOTHER GOOSE AND I DON’T LAY GOLDEN EGGS

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MOTHER GOOSE ON THE LOOSE

…but I’d damned sure like to!  My spiritual evolution has felt a lot like I imagine a goose feels trying to pop an egg or two out every day.  It probably takes focus.  In order to make an egg, you have to practice some sustaining daily processes, like eating grass or laying in it.  You probably have to go sit on a nest or a meditation cushion because it’s hard to lay an egg when you’re running around like a mad goose, honking at people that get in your space.  It might be a little uncomfortable at times.  You might get up and craning your neck, take a peek at your new offspring, the result of all of your hard labor, only to see a white or brown egg instead of a Golden one.  With a sigh you might say, “God, with all of this work, shouldn’t there at least be some Gold speckles in this stupid egg?”

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So, I’m beginning to get a strong hint that I’m just about one hundred and eighty degrees off on all of my self help, self love, healing practices.  Or maybe as “Grasshoppers”, we have to take certain baby hops in order to see the over the next hill?  I’ve taken years of classes about energy and energy work.  I spent thousands of dollars sitting on my ass on a little hard pillow while most people experience life from the outside in (one of God’s other plans) by going sightseeing and sky or deep sea diving around the world.  Ok, I did get to see some pretty awesome countries… I just wanted you to feel sorry for me.

If someone asks, I’d say, “yes, I meditate every day for at least twenty minutes”.  Well, mostly that’s true.  I light the candles and incense (did you know that the purpose of incense is to clear energy fields?  I was told that in India last year by the Monk I was studying under.  Who knew-I just thought it smelled good and put me in a good mood).  Some days my little timer goes off and I open my eyes to the sudden and disappointing  realization that I just sat there and thought for twenty minutes with my eyes closed.

Ego….you can’t live with it and you can’t survive without it.  It’s like a neurotic roommate following you around from room to room.  A running commentary on everything.  “Oh look at the snow.  Shit, I have to shovel… late to work  again….you can’t afford…blah blah blah.”  Commenting on everything, every move I make,  judging me (“why are you eating that?”, talking incessantly through an entire movie (“this movie sucks, you know how it’s going to end.  Turn the channel…now!!”)  But that’s another story for another day.

Here’s what I’ve discovered as my next very important big step to the moon.  Perhaps you saw hints of this in my post for “Rocketman Love”.  White is made up of all colors and darkness is a part of the light….a big part.  So, I’ve surrounded myself by many self promoting “Spiritualists” who have a lot of advice for others.  It’s easy to see all the shit I do wrong-even I can see it.  What I’ve been hearing them say is such things as, “Thoughts are things.  Watch your thoughts.  You will create what you believe you deserve not what you deserve.  Negative thoughts will create a negative reality”, etc.  OK I got that!  And, I think that’s true.

About a year ago, God upped the ante, suggested my next “hop” on the way to the Golden Egg.  I had dinner with a very strongly opinioned local French girl who had a near death experience, not at dinner but skiing in Vail when she was young.  She said, “you probably meditate all wrong”.  My ego reacted with self righteousness, “how dare she!”  As I explained, politely for the most part,  that she was full of shit because every day I did this routine…blah blah blah.  She said you’re chasing the good feelings, the light (well, who wouldn’t want to do that, that’s the point, right?); but what about really feeling the dark shadow side?”  (These are my words, not her exact words).   I’m thinking where you focus is what your reality becomes.  Where your energy level is, is the place from which you create your thoughts, emotions, your projections, your reality.   Well, they say, when you’re ready, the teacher appears.  I seem to have a flock of them, dropping out of the sky, showing up at the end of my driveway or behind the barn.  I pay attention to some of them right away and others….maybe I have an “Aha” moment a year or two later.

A year ago, I met this stranger on an airplane….”stay tuned for THE GOLDEN EGG.”  You won’t want to miss this.

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OLD INUIT SONG

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This prayer is one to remember in times when your challenges seem so large that you can’t find your way out.  Go back to the heart and be grateful for the simple things that matter, your loved ones and the gift of another day

Prayer at Time of Adversity

 

I think over again my small adventures,

My fears,

Those small ones that seemed so big,

For all the vital things

I had to get and to reach,

And yet there is only one great thing,

The only thing,

To live to see the great day that dawns

And the light that fills the world.

 

 

Turning Inward

joey

Turning Inward

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” – Dalai Lama

It is easy to look around the world and see a multitude of issues that need “fixing.” War is a constant in so many places across the globe. Substance abuse is at an all-time high. People seem to be increasingly angry and emotionally reactive. Violence in the form of school shootings, domestic violence, child abuse and criminal activity has become such a routine occurrence in this country that there is increasing desensitization to this horror.

Our culture has tried a myriad of initiatives to address these societal ills with little or no success. There are peace marches but war continues. There is “just say ‘no’ to drugs” but thirty years later, more people than ever are addicted to street drugs and pharmaceuticals. With only 4 percent of the world’s population, the United States houses 22 percent of the world’s prisoners while rates of recidivism continue to climb generation to generation. As a result, it is easy to fall into the belief that there is nothing any one person can do.

When your focus is on the perceived lack of a solution, you unintentionally feed feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, hopelessness and even anger. Of course, as you become more fearful, by definition the world becomes more fearful. Because human beings are wired for connection, it is the individual emotional state that each one of us holds that creates the collective in the world. As a result, when our focus is on fear, our individual fear grows and the result is what is seen in the world today.

In our society, when there is a threat, it is common to look for a hero to come to the rescue. When you do not know the power that lives within you to consciously create in this world, it is easy to think that the answer lies outside of you. Either someone or some other group needs to change or someone or some other group needs to “fix” the situation. The truth is that you are the only hero who can save yourself and elevate our world to a higher state. The hero lies within you.

Although it sounds like a cliché, it is the ultimate truth that only love can conquer fear. The day that you shift your internal state from fear to love is the day that the world changes. From the dawn of time, in this dualistic existence, there has always been a battle between love and fear. The question is whether you will play an intentional role in our collective creation on this planet. Will you have the courage to go within, feel fully the fear that is present, allow it to dissipate and intentionally cultivate yourself to be a vehicle for peace, love and compassion in this world or will you stay stuck in anxiety, fear and anger? Only you can change your internal state and therefore, only you can change the world by turning inward.

As an exercise this month, set an alarm to remind you to take a minute once an hour to check into the emotional state that is present. Are you in a love or fear-based state? Focus on your center point, two inches below the belly button and an inch back towards the spine and breathe from this place. Inhale through the nose thinking, I am, pause, hold the breath, and then as you exhale fully, think, unconditional love, pause, and hold the breath again. Continue for several rounds of this four-sided breath until you feel a sense of peace and love flow through you. When that internal state is anchored within and you focus on becoming an embodiment of the presence of love, the world is transformed by your influence hour-by-hour. The only way to spread love is for each one of us to commit to this practice. It is what the world needs now, more than ever

Love,

Joey

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Conscious Transformation, LLC P.O. Box 351983 Westminster, Colorado 80035 United States (720) 446-5533

Copyright © 2016, Joey Klein/Conscious Transformation™. All rights reserved.

 

The Other Woman-A Love Story

Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next.  Delicious ambiguity….

-Gilda Radner

The Story Begins…

I’ve always been idealistic and a searcher; having more questions than answers. I became independent and somewhat of a loner at a young age, not so much by choice as by circumstance. Maybe this makes it easier for me to hear the whisper of passion, the language of Spirit. The focus of my passions has been accumulative and has shifted over the years. It has waxed and waned through the heartfelt moments of love and grief. There were times in which I felt and heard nothing but the lonely echo of a heartbeat, the dark night of my soul. This is where I learned to trust that Spirit was never far away, always listening, always waiting patiently for me to return to my true nature. If I could feel passion in my heart, whether I found it in a baby’s smile, the scent of fresh cut hay, or a hawk on the wing; I could feel the resonance of Spirit within me. Then, in that instant, I would be enough.

Each choice we make in one moment will affect the rest of our life choices; and like a domino effect, possibly the lives of others, near and far. Whether our physical life exists for five minutes or one hundred years, each and every soul will live to impact more people than we can ever imagine. Our mere existence will affect our parents, children, spouses, lovers, neighbors, co-workers, society, and/or the planet either positively or negatively; most likely both. In a chance meeting, we might unknowingly deliver just the right message at just the right time; words that could change the entire direction or life of another.

Have you ever wondered what it is; the song you came here to sing or the story you came here to write? I would sincerely hope that each of us has at least one great love story to tell. This is mine. It begins as a story of young love, the infancy of that puppy dog ‘mad about you’ infatuation of two soul mates that would play out for a lifetime. It is about a boy and girl whose chemistry was perfectly matched even though they were born on different sides of the track. It would be their first and maybe last taste for the global feeling of ecstasy that made them want to roll in the grass and lick each others’ faces; to stare up at the stars as time stopped and the two of them was all there was.

The Other Woman

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Rarely do we have the foresight to see that the smallest decision that we make in a given moment may ultimately be the biggest decision of our lives, rippling forth to touch the hearts of many

Let’s say that life rode you hard and you were put away dripping wet and trembling like a wounded animal.   You wandered out into nature to die because dying seemed easier than the alternative, surviving the inconceivable loss. Instead, you found that deep down, the wildness of nature was still alive in you and restless. For you, nature had always been a common ground for connection, a place where you felt safe to lick your wounds. You were just beginning to feel the pulse of aliveness, of being human again, when out of the blue you received her letter. It was simply addressed to the “Other Woman—the Worst kind of Woman.”

Thoughts that had apparently been brewing in her for over three decades, finally found a voice and it was the voice of pent-up fury. Anger and helplessness seethed from the scathing words that had become frozen over time in her heart. She had somehow found out about your loss and she may have felt that her timing was impeccable for what she had always wanted to say. “Sinners pay now or they pay later, but they always pay, so now, Jan, you get to live the life you created for yourself.”   You felt badly for her as she had clearly suffered for all these years. You had compassion for anyone who had to feel the torment of such suffering. You had been there.

You remember the time you first met him like it was yesterday. It was a warm spring day in Denver during the 70’s and the metropolitan pulse beat palpably in your naïve and innocent Midwestern heart.   You were in way over your head with the heated excitement of a fast paced city life that had been slowly incubated into your future from a hammock in a small rural town in Iowa.

That morning you hurried to dress for work. You tinted your lips a glossy pink as an afterthought. They matched perfectly the color of your favorite sleeveless baby doll dress that you decided to wear that day, making your arms and chest look golden brown against your long sun streaked hair.   Your fiancé gave a woof whistle and then kissed you on the cheek. “What’s the occasion?” he asked. “No occasion, just tired of my clothes.   Thought I’d put on something sweet today,” you said with a mischievous sideways glance. “It’ll give Twyla and Sue something to gossip about at the office.” He chuckled as he opened the door. “I’ll bring home burgers for the grill tonight,” he said as he winked, closing the door behind him.

You and Tom had been sharing an apartment together for almost two years before he placed a diamond under the Christmas tree. You didn’t have the heart to ask if Santa had anything else in his bag, so you were trying on the idea of marriage.   He was only your second lover and your life was just beginning. You already knew that you were not ready but you didn’t know how to tell him. You tried to rationalize your feelings instead of breaking his heart. Rationalizing was a coping skill you had been using since you were a young girl to stop your own heart from breaking.

Because you were relatively new as a Real Estate Closer, you were razor focused on your next project.   You sat at the big round conference table where you were making a quick study of his Developer file the day he walked into the rest of your life. When you glanced up, you saw that he was looking directly at you. He was wearing cowboy boots and blue jeans that couldn’t hide the fact that he had been a lifelong athlete. His blue plaid cowboy shirt with a red bandana accentuated his face, tanned from an outdoor life; and in that instant he reminded you of the cowboy heroes that you had worshipped as a wistful child.

A warm smile spread slowly across his face revealing an expression that you couldn’t quite identify. He looked surprised like he’d just seen you walk on water.   He had thick sandy brown hair that had just enough body to convince you that it wasn’t straight and hazel eyes that spoke a thousand words.   Catching you totally off guard, he struck you as being way too young to be a Developer. You felt the heat of a blush creeping up your neck and you hoped it wasn’t visible.

Your heart skipped a beat the first time he flashed you that infamous smile. You couldn’t help focusing on that sexy crooked grin that had just a hint of mischievous innocence written all over it. It set off a ripple of flutters in your stomach and made your mouth go instantly dry. He leaned across the table extending his hand, “Hi. I’m Dennis; and this is my attorney, Norm,” he said, all the while his eyes fixed on yours. He offered to take your hand and you placed it limply in his not sure if he was going to shake it or kiss it. You managed to faintly squeak out, “Hi, it’s nice to meet you too,” as if he was the first person you’d ever officially met.

How could you know in that moment that for a lifetime you would dance seductively in and out of each other’s lives and fantasies? It was like time stood still and everyone in the room, except the two of you, was frozen in place. His smile would be his signature, forever imprinted in your mind to this day floating just behind closed eyes and future dreams. You were just twenty four, he was seven years older and she didn’t yet exist in your world or his.

The voice behind the mask of persona tells and retells the story cautiously watching for ambiguity and twisted facts. In the end, the facts seemed so simple when told by the subtle whisper of a heart that knew his. When you listened in stillness, in your heart of hearts you heard the voice of that little girl who was simply afraid to feel the pain of lost love once more.

That undying love that the two of you would share for a lifetime was passionate and born out of innocence. It was pure, untouched by life, and safely locked away in its perfect memories to be played over and over on harp strings of passion. She knew in her heart this was a place that she would never be able to reach him. And, that was why she was so angry.

The stories, his, hers and yours, were intimately intertwined and born out of the difference of bias. In his story, you are the love of his life; and in her story, you are clearly the worst kind of woman. In your story, he would always be your champion; your knight in shining armor.   Ahhh, but in your story, it was she, who was the Other Woman.

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Her love was whimsical and free falling, a feverish dance behind a thin veil of gossamer wings and heartache. Perhaps it was a love not meant to be bound in marriage; for even in her own marriage, she would become the other woman. Born to a fear of abandonment, she would become the flawless Archetype. Safely locked in place where it would forever remain seductive in its purity, it was a pristine love that could never die as she played it over and over on the harp strings of passion.

To be continued……

 

WHO BANGED THE BIG BANG?

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Once Upon A Time…
In the Garden of Good and Evil…

She bit into the crisp apple
Even a Goddess couldn’t resist
The “CrunchhHH” echoed around the world
Duality born out of bliss

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Good clashed against evil
Your God challenged mine
Big Bang opposed Evolution
In the Jungles of Space and Time

Religious leaders heard the ‘voice’ of God
Lambs followed without a clue
Dogmas, power, greed and murder
To protect those chosen few

From the Bleachers of Corporal Existence
Viewed through lens of distortion
Hate tackled love with poignancy
Emotion of epic proportion

 Ego, once Servant to the Warrior Heart
Now seduced by the song of Sirens
Believes its mindless chatter and story
While Heart now serves the Tyrant

Whose voice causes Ego to tremble with worry?
Like an abused dog beaten and shamed
It’s job to protect its Master
It’s demeanor wary and afraid

How can we understand being human
Ego, separate and alone
Tethered like a Kite in a Hurricane
God patiently outwaits the storm

Ego, trapped in imperfection
Anxiety under Constraint
Secrets of psyche in a World gone Mad
Society with so little restraint

Spirit co-existing with Ego
The Intrepid Survivor masked
Why hast thou forsaken me?”
Broken, he cried out at last