I’ve always known I was a writer but I was busy with a full time career and raising my kids as a single mom….no time….no classes…..no career in writing. Wah! In my free time, however, I entertained my friends with stories and at least they thought my stories were entertaining for the most part, especially if they wanted to date me.
I’m assuming for most writers, many times you wake up with words running through your head, right? And, if you’re like me you may try to remember them later only to bungle it up. Or, later on paper you can’t understand exactly why you thought it was so profound when you first woke up? So this happened to me yesterday and I posted the piece on “Stoking the Fire of Chemistry”…to see, click on link at bottom.
So here’s what happened, I scratched a few words down on paper and thought I’d add to it while I had coffee. I made my Bulletproof Coffee and sat down fifteen minutes later with my paper and who shows up, Alice! – Word Smith-Ego personality extraordinaire. She completely tears my Legos apart, adds a bunch of drama and picks at it until the published product may have a couple of the same words but who knows what it means? Alice likes that part the best, a splash of mystery?
This morning I sat down next to that same paper, picked it up and thought, “Man, I really went down the Rabbit Hole on that whole thing yesterday. The second piece was more like “Chasing Rabbits” by Jefferson Airplane.
My request is this: Could you take a peek at the first version (it’s a lot shorter) and then the second Published version and tell me what you think. Of the two, which speaks or resonates with you? Or do I need to find a happy medium in-between? After you read the second version, did you get the gist of it (much more clear in the first version)?
THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR SUPPORT.
DO YOU RESONATE WITH THIS?
When anger and frustration rise up in you
Rumbling like a freight train along jangled nerves
And negative thoughts rooted in perception and perfection
creep in to cloud your mind;
Wrap your suffering in compassion
Feel the rush of chemicals through your blood
And with one last big sigh of suffering,
Trace your breath back to Spirit
Fling your anger, frustration and negativity into the fire
The Alchemy where patiently your heart awaits
Go ahead, allow that playful giggle to wake up inside you
He was a handsome man about my age. He sat by the window listening to music and didn’t look up as I crawled clumsily over the isle guy, falling into the middle seat next to him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m about the same in airplanes as elevators, not especially social; but he didn’t even glance up for a perfunctory “hello.”
In mid-flight, I was trying to get my book out of my carry-on under the seat in front of me. Of course, the seat in front of me was by now in a ‘laid back relax’ mode. We all know what that means. When you try to reach your bag, you can’t get your head forward enough without hitting the seat in front of you; so you either need monkey arms or you need to be flexible like a contortionist. Struggling, I believe my head was practically in Airplane guys lap before he finally took his ear buds out.
We exchanged about five minutes of small talk; maybe ten. Isn’t it funny that this is how it happens, some of the profound moments of your life? Speaking of profound, during that time I must have said something insightful because he admitted he hated talking to people on the airplane. He said that whatever I had said changed his view about something that apparently impacted him deeply. Whatever it was, I’m sure it was ‘of me” but not “from me’ as I have no recollection of what I might have said. He then told me to pick up a copy of a book. He scribbled the title of this book on a tiny, itsy bitsy yellow stick um pad. With a flourish he added his email address below it and reattached his ear buds to his head. I was flattered and always thought I might email him. Secretly, I think he hoped I would too.
About a year later, I discovered that little scrap of paper in one of my purses, along with all kinds of other notes and random cards, most of which meant absolutely nothing to me by then. After scrutiny I remembered from whence this particular yellow sticky note originated. By now it was ‘mile weary’ with lint, lip gloss and other purse goo on it. I could just barely make out the title of the book let alone his email address. Alas, romance must have not been in the stars. It must have been all about “the book”.
Nonetheless, I stuck the note on my office desk for a few more months in a “to-do” stack that I usually shuffle around occasionally until I can finally just discard it. One day, with my hand paused over the trash can, Spirit said, “Just order that darned book already!” So I did. It must be incredibly frustrating trying to get people on the physical plane to do things that would actually help them ‘evolve’. First my Spirit Guide had to imprint Airplane guy’s mind, “tell her about the book-you know the one.” Then Spirit had to implant the idea that I should clean out my purse, something no one wants to do. Finally, my mind needed to be imprinted one more time before I actually ordered the book. Let’s just call this concept Synchronicity even though it may just be a popular anti-coincidence theory.
About this same time, out of nowhere, like most things I write about, I started excavating a piece I called “What’s Love Got to Do with It”? Man, I must have re-envisioned, re-structured and rewritten that thing a million times over three months. Love is such a big topic that the entire project just became unwieldy; after all, purportedly Love is all there is. Finally, I realized that even though I knew a lot about love, not necessarily all the good kinds, that the love I really wanted to know about now was “the BIG love that only God knew.” I was ready to leap in with both feet to become a ‘Big Love’ expert. Problem was, I had no idea how to get there from where I was.
Ironically, though, while I was writing “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” it seemed like every week (or day) some random person or source would say, “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself.” The first couple of times I thought, “Whatever!” Then I began to think, “What the heck is going on here?” For example, some guy I barely knew passed me in the hall at the movie theatre coming from the men’s room while I exited the ladies room. “Hey, how are you?” Within two sentences he mentioned he was visiting his daughter and out of the blue she had asked him, “Dad, do you love yourself?” This caused a conversation to ensue, of course. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Curious and Curiouser.
Actually, that whole love yourself cliché always kind of pissed me off, to be honest. Deep down, I was a pretty harsh critic when it came to me. Twenty years ago, when this cliché theory originated, I remember looking in the mirror like Stuart Smalley taught us on Saturday Nite Live. He would say, “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough and dog gone it, people like me.” With tenderness, I looked into my eyes in the reflection of a hand held mirror and said, “I love you.” My higher self must have been out flying around the universe so Ego took the call. Not buying it, instantly I hear that annoying voice, “Jeesh, when is the last time you plucked your eyebrows anyway?”
A few months ago I was chatting with my son through a psychic, which occasionally I do one anniversary date or another. He was apologizing for sending crazy people (as he called them) my way because he thought somehow I could help them. I said, “Chad, instead of ‘crazies’, why don’t you send me someone to love? A boyfriend perhaps? It’s been a really long time and it would be nice to have someone authentic to love.” What do you think Chad said? “I’ll work on that but first”….(you got it)…. “You have to love yourself.” “Damn it, really? Arrrggh!” The psychic laughed and said, “I knew you were going to hate that”; but she did give me a good parting tip. She said, “Start out by making love an action” (verb instead of noun). “It’ll catch on and grow.”
So here I am, searching for Big Love. I had no experience with how to really go about loving myself. Furthermore, I strongly surmised that the big love that I was now seeking was a whole lot bigger and, maybe even simpler then the convoluted conditional kind that I had known while walking around in my flesh suit.
During this time, I was called to go see Anita Moorijani, author of “Dying to Be Me”, when she visited Denver. Afraid of cancer her entire life, she did everything healthy to avoid getting it. Ironically, she died while in a coma after all of her organs shut down after a long battle with cancer. She flat lined. When she came back into her body, one of the messages she had been given from the ‘other side’, where time doesn’t exist, was to share that our purpose here on this planet is to learn how to love ourselves. I would add to that, loving ourselves throughout every experience life has to offer; the good, the bad and the ugly. There it is, officially gospel. OK, ok, I got it! But how do you do it and how long is this gonna take? I bet there are secrets, Jedi Mind tricks, in this new book that Airplane guy turned me on to. By the way, Anita recovered miraculously from her cancer completely in just a few weeks.
Since I write as an exercise of discovery, I’m sharing just in case the concept of love is befuddling to you too. I know there are a lot of people out there that have this one ‘all figured out’. They are the same ones that keep telling me to go into the light. I spent a lifetime looking in all the wrong places for sure.
So, that’s the back story about how my latest topic the Golden Egg came about. Alchemy feels like giving birth and if I’m lucky, it just might be a HOT molten Golden Egg or maybe a Nugget would be good. Therefore, I hope the book has some important and interesting messages for us on physicality and “What Love has Got to do with it.” Stay tuned for the conclusion (Part III) of the Golden Egg.
Until then, I’ll leave you with this thought provoking piece from ― Jack Kerouac
“I have lots of things to teach you now, in case we ever meet, concerning the message that was transmitted to me under a pine tree in North Carolina on a cold winter moonlit night. It said that Nothing Ever Happened, so don’t worry. It’s all like a dream. Everything is ecstasy, inside. We just don’t know it because of our thinking-minds. But in our true blissful essence of mind is known that everything is alright forever and forever and forever. Close your eyes, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for 3 seconds, listen to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember the lesson you forgot, which was taught in immense milky way soft cloud innumerable worlds long ago and not even at all. It is all one vast awakened thing. I call it the golden eternity. It is perfect. We were never really born, we will never really die. It has nothing to do with the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves everywhere: Self is only an idea, a mortal idea. That which passes into everything is one thing. It’s a dream already ended. There’s nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. I know this from staring at mountains months on end. They never show any expression, they are like empty space. Do you think the emptiness of space will ever crumble away? Mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one universal essence of mind, the vast awakenerhood, empty and awake, will never crumble away because it was never born.”
“That day was like the Perfect Storm, and like a Perfect Storm, it took just the right elements all descending down upon him at once. Tragedy isn’t always some random event that as (bad) luck would have it, just happens one day…”
I have a lot of thoughts to share that I believe could make a difference in the lives of others; things I wish someone could have shared with me as I went through the frustrations of trying to figure everything out for myself. Sometimes you don’t have the luxury of time to “reinvent the wheel.” I know I didn’t!
I’m grateful to have this opportunity and encouragement to update the statistics concerning the topics initially published in Chad’s Website. With the research I am now gathering, you will see that more, not less, people are struggling every day. While there is significantly more awareness around the individuals who have been labeled Bipolar, ADD/ADHD, Autistic, and Depressed (hereinafter referred to by me as “Sensitives”), the statistics don’t support a proportionate amount of healing. I’ll publish them later this week. I think they will surprise you. They did me.
I freely admit after my personal experiences with the Medical, Educational, Governmental Control Agencies and Rehabilitation Industries, I have some rather strong biases with regard to their Disease and Disorder Models and Treatments. I believe that individuals who are “Sensitives” and, the people who love them, have many times been exploited. I can see the ways that these industries are or can be self serving, i.e. the “patient’s failure”, lines their coffers. While I believe their initial intensions are good; all they really have to do in order to be successful is to have better success rates then the next place. As we all know, statistics and success rates are easily skewed.
In Iowa, where I was raised, we used to have a saying, “you can’t make a pig dance.” At the same time, these industries can’t do what they don’t know how to do. Although there is no easy answers, the best solutions that we currently have to offer are clearly missing the mark. Even though it’s challenging to see it with the “old ways and powers holding on tight”, we are evolving very quickly now. I believe we are right on the cusp of a Paradigm Shift and the “Sensitives” are the way showers.
Since Chad’s story ended with Suicide, I may as well start there. I will work my way backwards to the beginning, where all stories begin (see potential forthcoming topics at the bottom of the page). I would like to urge you to take what resonates with you and research it for yourself to see what you discover. As always, I’m open to comments, questions and discussions.
SNEAK PREVIEW- COMING SOON
HE SAID-SHE SAID
Chad will be speaking for himself from the “He Said” part of each story. I will copy excerpts from his Life Story, not necessarily in the order it was written, but as it may shed light upon a given topic. From the “She Said” part of the story, I will be writing from my point of view.
Chad’s story will give you a better idea of what it was like to walk in his shoes or perhaps what your child or teenager may be going through. There are so many things I found out after the fact, things written by Chad, and yes, things that were channeled. Chad’s Story was only eight pages long, and was channeled just months after we found his body. His lifelong best friends said it was eerie because it sounded exactly like him and it shared things no one else could know.
POSSIBLE TOPICS TO FOLLOW:
The Beginning: Imprinted emotional Neuropathways during the first seven years of life;
ADD/HD: Behaviors and being sensitive to being victimized;
ADD/HD and Learning Challenges: Education the critical part that learning and self esteem issues play with regard to successful integration of “Sensitives” into Society
ADD/HD Brain chemistry/imbalances–pros and cons of Pharmaceuticals, holistic treatments, and self-medication
Addiction: AA and Rehabilitation Methodology and Success rates
Grief: The process of Grieving and Surviving the Legacy of Suicide and losing a child
Spiritual Growth-There is Life after Death
The Other Side: Stories of connecting with Chad on the Other side
I am collaborating with Mandy Benedict in publishing a monthly column in our local Newspaper, the Vail Daily. I’m pleased to share our first article with regard to New Year Resolutions and creating an Inner state that will cultivate your desired outcomes. Conscious Transformation is a program by Joey Klein created using the latest in Psychology, Neuroscience and a combination of Western and Eastern spiritual disciplines. This work has provided me with amazing awareness going through my process of grieving.
-By Mandy Benedict
As we move into 2015, many of us will engage in the tradition of setting our New Year’s resolutions. Full of hope and determination, many times we set out to create something new and exciting only to become disappointed in the results.
I invite you to reflect on the possibility of an extraordinary life by asking yourself these three questions:
“Am I ‘living a life that I love’ and ‘loving the life that I live’?”
“Am I aligning with my highest vision and purpose?”
“How fulfilled am I in my daily life, career, health and relationships?”
Consider for a moment that we create from the inside out and our lives are merely a reflection of what is unfolding from within. The way we think and feel inside will determine and define the results of our daily lives. Our external experience does not define our inner state of being, even though it may appear that way at times.
It’s important to look at the seeds of thought that have sabotaged your visions. Plant new seeds in your mind and emotions and then choose to commit to nurturing them. Your brain has the power and ability to create any experiences that you wish. If you choose to create new things this year, consider what inner seeds you must plant. Then water and nurture those seeds with supportive thoughts and actions. It doesn’t mean that life has to change in order to create new circumstance, merely step into a new emotional state and think about life differently. You can ‘love the life you’re living’ and ‘live the life you love’, right now!
To ensure that this year is truly a transformational and benchmark year, try creating from the inside out. “How can I evolve into an extraordinary, ever-expanding individual?”
Take the time to seriously contemplate the three questions above and be honest with yourself;
Activate and awaken the seed within by making a declaration. “Who do I choose to become?” Plant a seed by picking one emotion and inner state and become that. (i.e., peaceful, loving, grateful, joyful, passionate, compassionate, giving);
“What way of being will cultivate the seed I wish to plant?” “What ways of feeling and what actions will water and nurture this seed?” “What attributes will support my extraordinary life experience?” “What would a peaceful, loving, joyous, grateful person be like . . . live like?”
Commit to your word, your declaration, no matter what! “I commit to being respectful to myself and others, regardless of the actions of others”;
Envision and imagine, “What would my life look like if I were living a life I loved?” “I see myself embodying the seed that I have sprouted; as love, passion, peace, etc.”
Make your declaration this year about who you are choosing to become starting this moment! If you have a vision you’d like to be living right now, that vision will be fulfilled by way of how you take action from within. The results of fulfilling your 2015 resolutions now become possible. When we create this way, passion wakes up inside of us and an enthusiasm for living ignites our sense of purpose for being and living in a way that can be extraordinary. If your inner state has evolved; and your way of being reflects these peaked experiences of life as a consistent way of being, you will then be free to create with ambition, energy and passion, anything you choose to experience. I invite you to stand for nothing less than ‘living a life that you love’ and ‘loving the life that you live’!
Quote about the Dalai Lama, “He doesn’t just pray for peace, he works for it!”
To train new neuropath ways and make lasting changes please join me for the upcoming Mental Mastery Series.
On the front cover of David Whyte’s book, Crossing the Unknown Sea: Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity (Riverhead Books, Penguin Putnam, New York, 2001), the word “work” is defined as: anopportunity for discovering and shaping; the place where the self meets the world. On pages 132-133 of Crossing the Unknown Sea, Whyte shares a story with us about what he learned about the nature of meaningful work from his close friend Brother David. The story unfolds at dusk, as they are sitting together sharing a bottle of wine and reading a book of poetry by Rilke…
“Tell me about exhaustion,” I said.
Brother David looked at me with an acute, searching, compassionate ferocity for the briefest of moments, as if trying to sum up the entirety of the situation and without missing a beat, as if he had been waiting all along, to say a life-changing thing to me. He said, in the form both of a question and an assertion:
“You know that the anecdote to exhaustion is not necessarily rest?”
“The anecdote to exhaustion is not necessarily rest,” I repeated woodenly, as if I might exhaust myself completely before I reached the end of the sentence.
“What is it, then?”
“The anecdote to exhaustion is wholeheartedness.” He looked at me for a wholehearted moment, as if I should fill in the blanks. But I was a blank to be filled at that moment, and though I knew something pivotal had been said, I had not the wherewithal to say anything in reply. So he carried on:
“You are so tired through and through because a good half of what you do here in this organization has nothing to do with your true powers, or the place you have reached in your life. You are only half here, and half here will kill you after a while. You need something to which you can give your full powers. You know what that is; I don’t have to tell you.”
He didn’t have to tell me. Brother David knew I wanted my work to be poetry.
“Go on,” I said.
“You are like Rilke’s Swan in his awkward waddling across the ground; the swan doesn’t cure his awkwardness by beating himself on the back, by moving faster, or by trying to organize himself better. He does it by moving toward the elemental water, where he belongs. It is the simple contact with the water that gives him grace and presence. You only have to touch the elemental waters in your own life, and it will transform everything. But you have to let yourself down into those waters from the ground on which you stand, and that can be hard. Particularly if you think you might drown…
“You must do something heartfelt, and you must do it soon. Let go of all this effort, and let yourself down, however awkwardly, into the waters of the work you want for yourself.”
This is our challenge: to rediscover our own heartfelt waters, to invest ourselves wholeheartedly in our own lives