A VIEW FROM THE EDGE – He Said-She Said – Part I (continued)-Suicide

HE SAID

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Chapter One

My Life’s Story

By: Chad Kesler

Hi!  My name is Chad Kesler.  If we didn’t meet, I wish we could have.  I’m sort of writing this, but not really.  A lot of the words are mine, things I’ve said to my family and friends, things I want you to know, some of my goals, and papers I’ve written. I would have been 20 years old now.

Some people thought I was shy; and, I guess, I had kind of a “tough guy” act.  If you were my friend, you would know that I would stick by your side no matter what.  If anyone messed with my friends, my brother, who is deaf, or made fun of a kid having troubles in school, I’d have a “word” with them.  On vacations, I noticed that the homeless people just seemed to know intuitively, when they saw me coming, that I’d help them with money, food, or whatever I could.  In the end, the drug dealers took advantage of me that way; and that is something that changed many lives forever. I regret so much the day that I got involved with drugs and the people who sell them!

I wish I would never have gotten into drugs.  I swore all through high school that I never would.  My friends and I used to talk about it all the time.  We couldn’t believe anyone would want to “do that to their body.”  From the first day I stepped into Eagle Valley High, I could get any drug I wanted.  It was up valley too, and it was being peddled by the kids that you would least expect.  The jocks, that used to make fun of my friends and me for smoking cigarettes, were even doing them.

I remember one Prom night, a few of the kids that were using drugs, stopped by our hotel room.  We were trying to get some sleep, and they were up all night just staring at us.  We laughed at them and called them idiots and wondered what the point was.  They were killing themselves, man!  We had countless conversations about that.

I found out, the hard way, that it’s not always bad kids and losers that do drugs.  I wasn’t bad and I wasn’t a loser, but I made a choice one night that turned out really bad in the end.  Drugs are everywhere.  By the time I graduated, cocaine was at most parties.  Kids would disappear for awhile.  Like lock themselves in the bathroom, disappear for a while in the parking lot or a car, and you knew what they were doing.  Lots of times I wouldn’t even let my friends or girlfriend go to some of those parties.  It was really hard to find something to do around here anymore.  I was alwaze scared the police would show up, and we’d get busted along with the users. A lot of the upper classmen, especially the year I graduated, were doing cocaine or crack.  I mean, a lot, maybe as many as one-fourth of them!  For some reason drugs were just everywhere this year.

Chapter Ten

“My Last Day”

I was up all night.  Mom woke up, and she was upset again.  I just hate that she’s alwaze upset; and I don’t know what to say, so I just try not to make noise or be in the same room as her.  This morning I threw some clothes in a bag.  I’m supposed to move in with my Dad tonight.  I called Paul to see about getting a ride to work.  I need to save gas money.  I gave Mom a hug, and I told her that I was going to quit on my own in the next month or I’d check myself in.  I was going to go meet Paul but I just felt so depressed.  I was out of drugs, I was out of money, I owed the dealers so much money that I had to alwaze hide from them.  I spent my grandma’s college fund on a motorcycle, then sold it for half what I paid for it.  I feel like there’s just no way to win for me.  I’m so depressed; and I just want to stop doing this, but I know I can’t.  I know that my Dad will be so disappointed and upset, and I don’t want them to have to spend money on rehab.  Man, how did my life get so screwed up in four months?  I feel like such a failure.

Maybe it would just be better for everyone if I was dead.  I called my Mom and told her I loved her and that I was sooo sorry.  I was crying.  That was the last time I used my phone or called anyone.  I never said goodbye to anyone, because I never would have thought I’d get low enough to actually want my life to be over.  I really thought I could stop using this drug.  I tried so many times.  I drove away from my home, my dogs, my friends, and my family that I love.  I hid my truck, so hopefully no one will have to find me.  I didn’t know what else to do to stop what the drugs were doing to my family and my life.  I just couldn’t see waking up one more morning like this.

Chapter Eleven

“If I Had It to Do Over Again”

Looking back from where I am now, it doesn’t seem real.  I watched my Mom and Dad and saw how worried they alwaze were.  My mom was frantically trying everything to find me.  She talked to the police everyday. Put up missing posters and visited homeless shelters.  She hired a Private Investigator.  She followed users around, the kids that I did drugs with, asking questions.  She talked to psychics.  She prayed.  She cried, and she cries even more now; and I just wish I could hold her and make it alright again, but it’s too late.  I just wasn’t thinking about what would happen.  I just thought everyone would be better off but now I see that their lives will never be the same.  I see how much they miss me, and I miss them.  I see how much guilt they carry because they wish they could have helped me.  I never even said goodbye to my friends.  They felt bad that they couldn’t help me either.  I was right before when I said drugs were stupid and committing suicide was stupid. Dead Right!

Yep, one bad choice, in a few minutes, had ruined my life and the lives of everyone that loved me.  I wish I had it all to do over again.  It’s too late for me, but it’s not too late for you!  I hope you are  listening!  I hope you or someone you love won’t make the mistake I made.  Believe in yourself; and if you’re in trouble, there are so many people out there that want to help.  I hope you’ll be able to reach out to someone, anyone.  I wish I had!

FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

EYE1

SHE SAID-

To Be continued soon-Suicide from my perspective after entertaining those thoughts too, a Legacy of Suicide, in the darkest days of my life after Chad died.   

POSSIBLE TOPICS TO FOLLOW:

  • The Beginning: Imprinted emotional Neuropathways during the first seven years of life;
  • ADD/HD: Behaviors and being sensitive to being victimized; 
  • ADD/HD and Learning Challenges: Education the critical part that learning and self esteem issues play with regard to successful integration of “Sensitives” into Society
  • ADD/HD Brain chemistry/imbalancespros and cons of Pharmaceuticals, holistic treatments, and self-medication
  • Addiction:   AA and Rehabilitation Methodology and Success rates
  • Grief:  The process of Grieving and Surviving the Legacy of Suicide and losing a child
  • Spiritual Growth-There is Life after Death
  • The Other Side:  Stories of connecting with Chad on the Other side

 

  

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