WHO’S DRIVING THE BUS-TIMEOUT: I’m going to need a Road Map

article-2154929-1376A9CD000005DC-502_634x350If I can lay my thoughts down on a page, placing the words just right, perhaps they will tell the story that will help me better understand who I am and who I am not.

Since my personal route of exploration is usually a long and winding road, I decided to pause, get my road map out and make sure I know my destination.   Below, I have laid out some special road side attractions that we might find along the way.

Most of the time these back roads are full of twists and turns, never going in a straight line from A to B the way men like it.  That may be a result of the way I think or, perhaps, the way women think in general. If you haven’t seen the following video about the differences between how men and women process, it is amusing and right on.  It will make everything so much clearer.  Stay here and check it out while I look for my map.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDk Talking Heads Man vs Woman

DESTINATION:  NIRVANA THROUGH CONSCIOUS, SUBCONSCIOUS, EGO, & PHYSICAL BALANCE
curvy road map
Road Map to Emotional Intelligence

 


SHORT BUS

  • 1) Squishing expansive Consciousness into a Short Bus, i.e. (the physical body)

    • Emotion: Our First Language
    • Story:  Conjecture vs. Fact

 

  • (2) Childhood Stories-What Does  Our Story have to do with it? 
    • How our family life and stories effect how we show up in our lives
    • Lost in a karmic circle of recreating our stories and outcomes
    • Looking for the Truth in Our Stories
    • What does Love have to do with it?

(3) TALKING HEADS ARE DRIVING BUT WHERE DID THEY LEAVE THE BUS?

  • How do you know when you are disconnected from your body
  • What is the end result of disconnected Consciousness

white lines

  • (4)  WHITE LINES ON THE HIGHWAY
    • The Mind is here to Serve the Heart
    • Consciousness provides observations for “being” so that humans can find themselves within their experiences
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WHO’S DRIVING THE BUS?

The wheels on the bus go round and round. The people on the bus go up and down.   But, does anyone know …article-2154929-1376A9CD000005DC-502_634x350

WHO IS DRIVING THE BUS?

If I can lay my thoughts down on a page, placing the words just right, perhaps they will tell the story that will help me better understand who I am, and who I am not.

Last week, frustrated during meditation when I couldn’t seem to quiet my thoughts around some particular office drama, I realized when my time was up and I opened my eyes that I had simply been sitting for twenty minutes “thinking with my eyes closed!” With a deep sigh, I concluded that I was still a work in progress, alas, “a mere human” when it came to being addicted to my thoughts, stories and the act of thinking.    How was this possible when I had worked so hard to remember to be present in the moment and in my body?  Was I simply a “Talking Head”?  As Trump would tweet, “FAKE MEDITATION…SO SAD!”

None of us were born “Talking Heads”. In the beginning, we were awakened into an altered state of reality, consciousness seemingly stuffed into a physical body.   After being squished into existence through a tight dark tunnel and landing in these huge slipper hands; we were slapped on the ass and welcomed into this three dimensional mish-mash of existence we call life on Gaia.  Imagine being confined in a small physical existence when we were used to soaring freely through the jungles of space and time as omnificent creator.

When we were babies, until we were around five years old, emotion was our first and only language. Since we couldn’t form thoughts without a language to support these thoughts, we floated around on a cloud of feelings from the surrounding emotional atmosphere.  We had our first taste from the smorgasbord of emotion as early on as the womb.  These feelings were those of our mother; but we adopted them as if they were our own.  They most likely were a “mixed bag of treats” including love, excitement, anxiety, shame and/or fear.  With no way to employ our own special reptilian skills for survival, we had to rely solely on these emotions to tell us when something was wrong, such as there was a lion in the bush or a prehistoric Pterodactyl circling overhead.  A lot of good that would do, however, when helpless, we couldn’t even roll up in our blankets to hide from view.

Slowly, with the waning guidance and support of our friends and guardians from the other side, we got used to the giant “Talking Heads” that were all around us.   Before long we learned we could wrap these big folks around our little baby fingers; and they would come running –most of the time- when we cried. Dependent, we didn’t know who they were; but they seemed to be the only ones who would arrive to help us survive in these new body-vehicles we were test-driving.  On the other hand, they could cause major body damage if they dropped us or shook us to hard; not to mention they could also squash us like a bug if one of them accidentally stepped on us.

As toddlers we were off and running; motoring through life every waking hour.   Each day, we connected and disconnected somewhere around three million neuro-pathways and synapses as we alternately crashed and burned our way through time and space.  We were developing new skills of survival and learning what did and did not work with these new little special buses called physical bodies.  When we got hurt, pooped our pants or were hungry, we cried.  Hopefully, one of the “Talking Heads” would come running to our rescue.   Sometimes these big people would stick their big heads in our face and cooing, put kisses on us with their big lips.  They’d tickle us and then laugh when we laughed, snapping endless pictures so they’d never forget how darned cute we were in their own image.  Subsequently, they also tried to convince their friends and family that we were something special by posting these pictures in cyber space for all the world to see.

Now, I like everyone else, have a very personal and selective memory of my youth. I’d like to preface the following by saying that I realize that we adopt “our story” making it absolute truth when in actuality, it is a story we created initially, oftentimes with the mind of a child, based on very little fact in deed.  Whew, that was a mouth-full.  Most of us then live and relive our story, creating and re-creating people and outcomes over time that will actualize what we believe to be true; that is until we can recognize our stories as just that, “a story”.  At that point, walah, we may then be capable of extracting the truth from our story and alchemizing any past suffering.

Now I’m at a turning point,  I can choose whether to write “The End” or I can continue to share my story in spite of the fact that I know most of it is conjecture.  Although, because I started a story that like a dangling participle didn’t even make it through all of the conflict, introduce the characters, or even enjoy a climax, or resolution, I don’t feel complete.  Thus, please stay tuned for Part II of Who’s Driving the Bus.sign

To be continued…

 

FLYING HOME

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWi0HhZqykE

One of my dreams and goals is to create a platform for the purpose of being able to offer a remembrance, a gift of Legacy to others.  I feel it would be meaningful to be able to assist with helping a family sift through the pictures, keepsakes and memories of their lives to find their own very special Legacy; and in doing so, perhaps help them to see the gifts they brought to others.  I believe that everyone needs to be heard and to understand the impact and measure of their life.  Most of us want to know that our caring and love mattered.

My father, a very young eighty-six, looks to be closer to sixty.  Still enjoying riding motorcycles around the country, he says, “if you can’t do what you’re passionate about, why be here?”  This week he is facing a fairly serious surgery, which is why this subject came up today.  My father has always known that I believe stories need to be remembered and told so that we may know why we came and who we are within the experiences of our life.  Dad has always loved telling his stories and especially enjoys reading them over and over whenever I get around to writing them.  In the past couple of years, however, I’ve noticed that his storytelling has taken on a tone of desperateness.  He becomes visually frustrated when family members dismiss him with, “yeah, I’ve heard this one a few times now.”  I imagine this is common for aging people and certainly doesn’t make them feel important or heard.  I’ve been on both sides of this now that my own son reminds me from time to time that I have already told him “this or that”.

One night about a year ago, my father and I were having a midnight chat.  I was sharing things I had learned from talking with people who had Near Death Experiences and gave him a book to read that was written by one of these intrepid survivors.  He was noticeably relieved after reading the book.  I was surprised when he started to reveal different stories; ones I personally hadn’t heard before.  How was this possible with me being the question person?  These stories were raw in the telling; and I was able to detect some underlying fear about dying.   He made the comment, “well, I don’t suppose you know where you’re going when you’ve killed people.”  In shock I said, “What are you saying Dad?  Have you killed people?”  “Well, not exactly,” he admitted to my relief.  He then went on to share about the atrocities of war, in his case, the Korean War.  Raised in a traditional religious philosophy where hell’s fires was a real place, my father seemed to harbor fears of uncertainty as eldership quickly approached.  Even though I don’t personally believe in hell, per se, I can see hell on Earth most days on the news.

My father was just twenty one when he was drafted into the Marines; but oddly, he never talked much about it.  I was still being wheeled around in a baby carriage in the few pictures I saw of our new life in North Carolina at the Marine Base. I love the picture of mom holding my hands so that I could stand in the waves of the ocean.  My mother who was deathly afraid of water, ironically always dreamt of living by a lake, river or the beach. Even though she remembers those days as some of her best, even she didn’t reveal any real stories about their life there.  That night, as we sat sharing our thoughts about  life, it became clear that Dad was proud of how quickly he had been promoted through the ranks to Sargent.  It was important to him that I understand that this was not common.  He seemed to be flattered and laughed as he shared that his fellow marines called him, “The Wildman” even though I feel sure I have not yet heard that entire story.

I feel privileged that my father finally felt like he could open up to reveal the stories of what it was like to be so young with a new wife and a baby; and to be suddenly faced with the horror of killing or being killed.  He said that it was not that rare to lose fellow Marines during training maneuvers, and disclosed racial in-discrepancies that were difficult to imagine.  These were things I had never even thought about.  Unfortunately, the ravages of war are not unfamiliar even today to so many others in the world.

I watched the movie “Sully” last night.  Within the first few lyrics of the Theme song, the profundity of the words was a straight shot to my heart.  Since the time when my son passed, I have chased the mystery and the meaning of life, purpose and our roles in each other’s lives around in my mind and heart for a decade.  The lyrics for the song “Flying Home” were profound in their meaning to me.  I believe they say it all and I wanted to share my thoughts about Legacy with other’s who just may need to hear the words to this song today.  I hope you’ll take a moment to really listen. I have added Flying Home to Chad’s Playlist.

FLYING HOME by Tierney Sutton Band

Theme Song for the Movie “Sully”

TELL ME YOUR STORY, I’LL TELL YOU MINE

SING ME YOUR SONG, I’LL FOLLOW LINE BY LINE

DRAW ME NEAR, LET ME HEAR THE THINGS YOU’VE TREASURED

PATIENT AS FALLING SNOW

STANDING INSIDE THE QUESTIONS

ONLY GUESSING BY WHAT TRUTHS OUR SOULS ARE MEASURED

EACH OF US RISING FROM WORLDS UNKNOWN

WITHIN YOUR TRIUMPHS I SEE MY OWN

STILL THERE ARE JOURNEYS THAT ARE YOUR’S ALONE

YOU WERE BORN FOR THE STORM YOU HAVE TO WEATHER

TRUE AS A WINTER WIND YOU FACE THE MOMENT BRAVELY

YOU AND I, WE’RE ON OUR OWN AND YET TOGETHER

WALKING A PATH WE CAN’T DEFINE

TELL ME YOUR STORY. I’LL TELL YOU MINE

SING ME YOUR SONG, I’LL FOLLOW LINE BY LINE

LET THE NIGHT FALL WITH THE LIGHTNESS OF A FEATHER

TRUSTING THE COMING DAWN

WE CANNOT HOLD THE MORNING

YOU AND I WE’RE ON OUR OWN AND YET TOGETHER

FOR IN THE END, WE’RE ALL FLYING HOME

THE GOLDEN EGG- Conclusion

golden-egg

I had dinner with a very strongly opinionated local French girl who had a near death experience.  She said, “you probably meditate all wrong”.  My ego reacted with self righteous indignation, “how dare she!”  I explained, politely for the most part,  that she was obviously full of shit because I had learned from the best of the best.  And, every day for years I did this routine…20 minutes, incense and candles, emptying my mind..blah blah blah.  She said you’re just chasing the good feelings, the light (well, who wouldn’t want to do that, that’s the point, right?); but what about really feeling the dark shadow side?”  (These are my words, not her exact words).  

I’m thinking, where you focus is what your reality becomes.  Where your energy level is, is the place from which you create your thoughts, emotions, your projections, your reality.   Well, they say, when you’re ready, the teacher appears.  I seem to have a flock of them, dropping out of the sky, showing up at the end of my driveway or from behind the barn.  I pay attention to some of them right away and others….maybe I have an “Aha” moment a year or two later.

…For example, a year ago, I met this stranger on an airplane.  He referred a book to me that had some “aha” things that I felt were important for me to know at this time. Ironically, a year ago I was not yet at this point, which is probably why I carried his note around for months, even losing it from time to time.   Only recently had I become intrigued with examining Big Love, to find my version of the “Golden Egg”. 

I found the referred book to be all Quantum and combined Eastern and Western Philosophies.  It spoke more specifically to the interplay of light and darkness, and other dualities that cause chaos within ourselves and in our Universe….

The book that Airplane guy wrote down for me was “The Science and Practice of Humility” by Jason Gregory.  It turns out that Jason is a teacher and international speaker specializing in the fields of Eastern and Western philosophy, comparative religion, metaphysics, and ancient cultures, studying the masters in Buddhism, Gnosticism, Hermeticism, Hinduism, and Taoism and produced the Sacred Sound of Creation.”  I have gathered and would like to share some concepts as I understood them, as well as excerpts from his book.  I found it all quite interesting and believe it to be my next stepping stone in my search for “Big Love.”

Jason Gregory says, “The mind is like a paint brush and the world we see is our canvas.  Mental alchemy is the art of manifestation, which is not as simple as thinking glorious thoughts.  Throughout the ages these teachings have given rise to the illusion that we can create our own reality by just focusing on what we want.  That is only an attempt to gain something in the material world to boost and perpetuate the ego.  It maintains the illusion of separation.  A mental projection coming from the ego won’t be what we truly want or need.  Such delusions will not result in the manifestation of our conscious projections.  In such a case attention will not be focused in one place, and there will be no force behind it to become a reality.  Those who attempt to create their own reality from the egotistical side of their psyche are no better than those who are not aware that they create their own reality.  Both are contributing to a collective projection of chaos and entropy because their mental states are not focused in one direction.”

The core of our spiritual awareness is to know that the universe is not separate from us but we are joined as one living, breathing conscious organism.  If we are the eyes of the universe, we see that all of the war and discord on one level is actually harmony on a higher level.  The chaos is necessary and is the rhythm of the eternal harmony.

                     ALCHEMY AND THE PHYSICAL PLANE

Physical Relationship Relative to Subatomic Particles:

Most of our problems throughout the cosmos originate from our not understanding how subatomically our world is connected to our thoughts and emotions.  “Subatomic particles are controlled by the mental plane of consciousness, which creates the physical world.”  Thus we create the reality we experience, every moment of it.  We are distracted by ego, which focuses on the inauthentic “love and light” and wants only to experience pleasant realities.

Physical Projection and Mental Alchemy::

If we can understand the energetic world, we will begin to understand why certain situations and events cross our paths.  Soon we will gain a deeper knowing and intuition.  The physical world is only energy driven and shaped from the mental plane by the energy of the mind.  Magnetic opposites, the physical and mental planes exist under a universal law that allows one to flow to the other.

“Physical matter is condensed energy formed and created by the force of the mind.  The wisdom traditions of eternity know we create our own reality…..focusing their energy on the mental plane toward conscious manifestation, they created an ancient science known as ‘mental alchemy.’  Alchemy is the science of turning mental thoughts into golden projections upon the physical world or, in other words, turning the lead of the ego into gold.”

To find out who you are, you can use the art of mental alchemy  by exploring your consciousness to discover the things that are natural to your inner being.  “Then your energy will naturally flow toward that passion and then your art will be expressed on the physical plane – hence you create your own reality.  One of the main goals in mental alchemy is exactly this discover of one’s purpose, which leads one down the path toward deeper realization of the true self that unfolds like a flower.”

EGO AND CHOAS

Focusing on Love and Light is not the answer:

He says,  that individuals who believe they are creating their own reality by just focusing on ‘love and light’ while ignoring our darker aspects of being, are contributing to the disruption and chaos. “The result of ignorance within our being is that the subatomic world we create manifests as the physical world in a perpetual state of war.  This stimulates a deep fear of all life, which maintains the illusion of separation.  War is nothing more than a symptom of an individual’s conditional psyche projected into the physical plane.”

Duality and the price we pay in our search for Pleasure only:

We are focused on the illusion, as human beings, of being separate.  This breeds fear but fear is not the enemy.  Fear can be a guide to become more humble.  We do not want to feel fear or pain, so we control that instinct by seeking pleasure.  This is a control based on duality and denies that the existence of both pain and pleasure are not really separate feelings.  Pain can only exist because we know pleasure and vice versus.

If we truly knew this and were able to genuinely embrace both, then we would not be gripped by fear and pain.  When we identify with pleasure, we then cling to it, trying to hold on; but this only contributes to a form of suffering.  In actuality, the moment we seek to hold on, we have lost the pleasure of being in that moment of pleasure.  We become so attuned to the false ego that this creates the disharmonic state of mankind.

Healing Chaos:

We want to believe that the chaos of the world –such as political, social, or religious–can be rectified leading us to our next evolutionary step.  Evolution is dependent upon the growth of the individual and not the order of a society.  Dwelling within the body-mind state of consciousness, we are trying to heal a chaotic world with a chaotic mind.  When we believe they we are the identity of ego, we believe in separation.  Separation is the seed of chaos.   The flaw exists in all of us and our world is a reflection of that.

SEPARATION FROM EACH OTHER AND GAIA

Most of us do not understand that we are part of Earth, not separate from it.  That belief is apparent today more than ever as we challenge, insult and destroy our planet, our home, thinking of it as a place to live without truly knowing that it is ‘conscious intelligence’.  Ego is a manufactured mental program that operates within most sentient beings, keeping the physical plane in a state of chaos. We see the planet in a narrow form and don’t see ourselves as an integral part of a grand planetary unfoldment.   “Ego is the ultimate extension of a planetary system’s sensitivity” but cannot see that the universe is constantly unfolding.  Nothing begins and nothing ends. It just changes.

We accept the illusion that the source of the universe and eternity are found outside of our consciousness in the external world.  This includes socially accepted slavery through transactions to obtain what we call money.  This makes us even more separate in what often appears to be a dog eat dog world.

Duality and Ego Transcendence:

“The duality existing within the mental framework is built on the premise that there is the false ego and the true self.  The problem with this view is the fact that the ego does not exist.  Many people who tread the path of spiritual cultivation make a common mistake in this view of their own mental framework-after identifying the ego chattering within their head, they set out to battle against it.  Some arrogantly set off to transcend the mind, not realizing that nothing is more egotistic than that.”

To transcend the mind, we must empty our mind in order to reestablish connection with the spiritual plane.  This is the only space where duality no longer exists and opposites within and without dissolve.

Separation and Conflict:

“Humility allows the universe to be what it is, looking upon it with the same clarity as the child who sees the world with no boundaries. As the dance of chaos continues, the humble individual is unfazed, as they do not doubt their own experience.  The idea that the world needs to be saved is a conditional opinion, based on our fears and anxieties, which feed our ego.  The opinion of one is the opposite of another, which fuels conflict.”

SO WHAT ABOUT BIG LOVE?

It’s Bigger than carnal Love:

Throughout the ages, a collective parasite has infected us with the illusion that carnal love is real love.” Believing that our animal drives are love suppresses the evolution of consciousness.”  True Love is limitless and sexual desire is a distant cousin which only ties us to the animal kingdom.

Conditional vs. Unconditional Love:

“Loving an individual or some object is conditioned by ideas and opinions about how the other and object should be”.  This is not the attuned and receptive nature of the universe, thus it cannot be humility or love.  “What love truly is cannot be experienced unless one is humbly receptive to all experience.”  When we finally truthfully realize that love is unconditional, and not bound by the limitations of our judgments, only then can we let go of the common conceptual idea of love.  In the great work of eternity, if we can truly let love go, then our real love will become present. False love is also a symptom of the illusion that the great work of eternity is in the external world.”

Every person who I’ve met that has experienced a “Near Death Experience” or every NDE’r who’s book I have read, talks about the profound understanding that all of us are connected and how they can suddenly telepathically understand everyone else.

Jason says, “One of the resulting insights into consciousness is that even though individuals appear separate from all life in the physical plane, we are more intrinsically interwoven into the fabric of matter than we can imagine.  In this pure seeing we can gain knowledge that we are not only an integral part of the cosmos, but are in truth the eyes and the ears of the cosmos and planet Earth.”

From Lao-tzu’s eternal scripture the Tao Te Ching, on Duality

When people see some things as beautiful,

other things become ugly.

When people see some things as good,

other things become bad.

Being and no-being create each other.

Difficult and easy support each other.

Long and Short define each other.

High and low depend on each other.

Before and after follow each other.

Therefore the Master

acts without doing anything

and teaches without saying anything.

Things arise and she lets them come;

things disappear and she lets them go.

She has but doesn’t possess,

acts but don’t expect.

When her work is done, she forgets it.

That is why it lasts forever. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE YOUNG POPE-Part I

young-pope

After my “Young Pope” Marathon this weekend, I imagine I was not alone wondering if Lenny, known as Pius XIII, was a Saint. Or was he diabolical and somehow miraculously voted in as Pope? Did he become Pope against all odds because God willed it in those final moments of his fervent prayers? Or was the vote rigged and manipulated on behalf of others in power? I know I’m not the only one who thought that there might be some parallels between the institution of the Church, or Vatican, and the climate of our latest U.S. election. That’s the beauty of the creative people of Hollywood or maybe it’s all just in my mind.

For me, this question of political environments and the question of “Who is God,” are parallel topics of exploration and, as always, writing is my tool for excavation. I know one thing about politics and that one thing is that it is way too huge for me to wrap my mind around. I am not deluded enough to believe I am capable of being unbiased and objective. I don’t pretend that I could possibly know the problems that face those who choose to be in office. I have no idea just how corrupt, greedy and diabolical the world governments are, but I’ve seen evidences that support some of the conspiracy theories.   So, the question is, if we don’t truly know the big picture, how can we promote change?   Instead of being a member of the flock, throwing out accusations and judgments that only seem to add fuel to the fear and the problem, what are our options?

There are a lot of people a lot smarter than I am that seem to be flinging their arms up in despair.  Of course, I too want change. I trust we all do. My question is, if we don’t get outside that political box where people are bought, and where power, greed and control has in the past tainted even the best of intensions, how can change ever manifest? Do we hope for a miracle?  Maybe this entire bar-rattling and foundation-shaking experience is a necessary first step even if the pendulum swings wildly out of balance for some interim amount of time?

With that being said, I’m not suggesting we pop some corn and sit back and watch the movie (or the horror show) unfold. Yet, I can’t help wondering if this is yet another invitation, similar to the one we experienced after 911; an opportunity to see the good in people who step forward and bond together in their common causes? To be a voice and to be heard in ways that don’t contribute to the problem.  As they say, we have to be the solution and not buy into  violence, hatred, fear, control and greed; the very things we want changed in the first place.  And consider the possibility that Einstein was right, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

What if it’s true, that the foremost progressive first step we can take in the direction of change is to become the catalyst for change within ourselves? And in so becoming that platform for change, are we willing and capable of being forthright, honest and our authentic selves? Can we recognize our own weaknesses; the duality of being corporal, the gifts of being incarnate? Or do we believe we are just one side of the coin, the shiny side?

We live on a plane of duality. If in fact, what I’m hearing from those who have experienced Near Death Experiences, we are all connected, then we ALL must be all things, the Saint and at the same time, the thief.  If we only focus on love and light and push away our shadow sides, how can we fully achieve self-love with disowned parts of ourselves lurking in dark places?  (To learn more, watch for the Golden Egg, Part III coming soon).

So, as in the Pope’s final speech, ask yourself the hard questions.   Are you good or bad? Peaceful or violent? Happy or sad? Sane or insane?   Are you honest and, at the same time have you lied your ass off?  Are you good or are you self-serving? (Did you vote for promises to lower your taxes at the expense of others or the planet?) And, if so, are you willing to accept your responsibility in the future and step into the fires of sacrifice so that our children have an opportunity to thrive as we did?

Are you over identified with your positive characteristics, while you frantically push your shadow sides deeper into the recesses, a place where they may never see the light of acceptance and the alchemy of integration?  If we were pure love, could we hate ourselves, let our neighbor starve and allow our sons to fight in “fake, self-serving” wars,  or would we stand united in the good for all?

And, what IF this is an opportunity to smile, even through our tears? To love in spite of everything? Out of the worst circumstances, you can learn new perspectives. Out of the darkest storms, there will eventually come streamers of light and hope. There was a time that I would have questioned that after my son died. I was filled with so much despair; I couldn’t imagine there would be light once more. I was a person, a year later, standing on the edge of that precipice, ready to jump. But just as every silver lining has a cloud, every cloud has a silver lining.

…….TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW ABOUT DUALITY, LOVE, ABANDONMENT AND PURPOSE…..How could The Young Pope heal and perform miracles for others when he couldn’t heal his own broken heart?

 

 

THE DILEMNA OF BEING HUMAN

This is the  screensaver that I ignore every day when I turn on my computer.  Surprisingly, today I saw it through different eyes.  I’m sharing this because MAYBE I’m not the only one that needed a little wake up call or a gentle reminder before it’s too late.

Dalai-Lama-quote.jpg

I remember waiting in line at Starbucks one day a few years ago shortly after my son had died.  A Colorado man who was in his final stages of cancer wrote a book that was displayed for sale at that local Starbucks.  At the same time my son died, I had just lost three of my closest friends, two who had died of cancer.   I wanted to know what this man was thinking and going through; so I bought the book.

The author started out talking about the company he had built from the ground up and proceeded to give detail upon detail of how he had made it successful.  While I would expect that, especially of anyone who had tied their value to their accomplishments, I was shocked when the entire book, other than one chapter was all about what he had accomplished in his career.   This man relegated one token chapter to the introduction of his lovely wife and children as if he felt they deserved being mentioned.  With a flourish, he then finished his book with his legacy, his company.  I felt sorry for him.  He had all the money in the world but he couldn’t save himself from himself.

Most of us probably weave our loved ones in and out of the different chapters of our lives.  We are the lucky ones.  What is the measure of a life?  I’m sure for some it is being a big movie star, a rock star, a President or famous author like Hemingway.  That would be awesome, coming here to experience that.  Many times there is a huge price for that fame and glamour as told in their stories or evidenced by movies about their lives.  And, what about the rest of us?  If we are a “nobody” in our own eyes, was our life a failure?  A lost cause?  Will anyone even care if we lived or died?  I’ve always had a dream to write Legacy Stories for others.  When I asked, I can’t tell you how many people said humbly that they didn’t have anything important to write about.  So, I’m asking you, what matters or is important to you about your life?

I believe at the end of the day, every one of us yearns to know the measure of our life.  We want to know that our life mattered in some small or huge way to someone, that it was worthwhile.  We want to believe that we will be missed and remembered when we are gone.

What if there is nothing to do but just be fully invested in each moment of your life, seeing and living it like an innocent child full of wonder?  Watching it unfold through the Omnificent Observer instead of the eyes of Ego?  What if the only reason you came here was to experience you being you?

A VIEW FROM THE EDGE – He Said-She Said – Part I (continued)-Suicide

HE SAID

 IMG_NEW

Chapter One

My Life’s Story

By: Chad Kesler

Hi!  My name is Chad Kesler.  If we didn’t meet, I wish we could have.  I’m sort of writing this, but not really.  A lot of the words are mine, things I’ve said to my family and friends, things I want you to know, some of my goals, and papers I’ve written. I would have been 20 years old now.

Some people thought I was shy; and, I guess, I had kind of a “tough guy” act.  If you were my friend, you would know that I would stick by your side no matter what.  If anyone messed with my friends, my brother, who is deaf, or made fun of a kid having troubles in school, I’d have a “word” with them.  On vacations, I noticed that the homeless people just seemed to know intuitively, when they saw me coming, that I’d help them with money, food, or whatever I could.  In the end, the drug dealers took advantage of me that way; and that is something that changed many lives forever. I regret so much the day that I got involved with drugs and the people who sell them!

I wish I would never have gotten into drugs.  I swore all through high school that I never would.  My friends and I used to talk about it all the time.  We couldn’t believe anyone would want to “do that to their body.”  From the first day I stepped into Eagle Valley High, I could get any drug I wanted.  It was up valley too, and it was being peddled by the kids that you would least expect.  The jocks, that used to make fun of my friends and me for smoking cigarettes, were even doing them.

I remember one Prom night, a few of the kids that were using drugs, stopped by our hotel room.  We were trying to get some sleep, and they were up all night just staring at us.  We laughed at them and called them idiots and wondered what the point was.  They were killing themselves, man!  We had countless conversations about that.

I found out, the hard way, that it’s not always bad kids and losers that do drugs.  I wasn’t bad and I wasn’t a loser, but I made a choice one night that turned out really bad in the end.  Drugs are everywhere.  By the time I graduated, cocaine was at most parties.  Kids would disappear for awhile.  Like lock themselves in the bathroom, disappear for a while in the parking lot or a car, and you knew what they were doing.  Lots of times I wouldn’t even let my friends or girlfriend go to some of those parties.  It was really hard to find something to do around here anymore.  I was alwaze scared the police would show up, and we’d get busted along with the users. A lot of the upper classmen, especially the year I graduated, were doing cocaine or crack.  I mean, a lot, maybe as many as one-fourth of them!  For some reason drugs were just everywhere this year.

Chapter Ten

“My Last Day”

I was up all night.  Mom woke up, and she was upset again.  I just hate that she’s alwaze upset; and I don’t know what to say, so I just try not to make noise or be in the same room as her.  This morning I threw some clothes in a bag.  I’m supposed to move in with my Dad tonight.  I called Paul to see about getting a ride to work.  I need to save gas money.  I gave Mom a hug, and I told her that I was going to quit on my own in the next month or I’d check myself in.  I was going to go meet Paul but I just felt so depressed.  I was out of drugs, I was out of money, I owed the dealers so much money that I had to alwaze hide from them.  I spent my grandma’s college fund on a motorcycle, then sold it for half what I paid for it.  I feel like there’s just no way to win for me.  I’m so depressed; and I just want to stop doing this, but I know I can’t.  I know that my Dad will be so disappointed and upset, and I don’t want them to have to spend money on rehab.  Man, how did my life get so screwed up in four months?  I feel like such a failure.

Maybe it would just be better for everyone if I was dead.  I called my Mom and told her I loved her and that I was sooo sorry.  I was crying.  That was the last time I used my phone or called anyone.  I never said goodbye to anyone, because I never would have thought I’d get low enough to actually want my life to be over.  I really thought I could stop using this drug.  I tried so many times.  I drove away from my home, my dogs, my friends, and my family that I love.  I hid my truck, so hopefully no one will have to find me.  I didn’t know what else to do to stop what the drugs were doing to my family and my life.  I just couldn’t see waking up one more morning like this.

Chapter Eleven

“If I Had It to Do Over Again”

Looking back from where I am now, it doesn’t seem real.  I watched my Mom and Dad and saw how worried they alwaze were.  My mom was frantically trying everything to find me.  She talked to the police everyday. Put up missing posters and visited homeless shelters.  She hired a Private Investigator.  She followed users around, the kids that I did drugs with, asking questions.  She talked to psychics.  She prayed.  She cried, and she cries even more now; and I just wish I could hold her and make it alright again, but it’s too late.  I just wasn’t thinking about what would happen.  I just thought everyone would be better off but now I see that their lives will never be the same.  I see how much they miss me, and I miss them.  I see how much guilt they carry because they wish they could have helped me.  I never even said goodbye to my friends.  They felt bad that they couldn’t help me either.  I was right before when I said drugs were stupid and committing suicide was stupid. Dead Right!

Yep, one bad choice, in a few minutes, had ruined my life and the lives of everyone that loved me.  I wish I had it all to do over again.  It’s too late for me, but it’s not too late for you!  I hope you are  listening!  I hope you or someone you love won’t make the mistake I made.  Believe in yourself; and if you’re in trouble, there are so many people out there that want to help.  I hope you’ll be able to reach out to someone, anyone.  I wish I had!

FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

EYE1

SHE SAID-

To Be continued soon-Suicide from my perspective after entertaining those thoughts too, a Legacy of Suicide, in the darkest days of my life after Chad died.   

POSSIBLE TOPICS TO FOLLOW:

  • The Beginning: Imprinted emotional Neuropathways during the first seven years of life;
  • ADD/HD: Behaviors and being sensitive to being victimized; 
  • ADD/HD and Learning Challenges: Education the critical part that learning and self esteem issues play with regard to successful integration of “Sensitives” into Society
  • ADD/HD Brain chemistry/imbalancespros and cons of Pharmaceuticals, holistic treatments, and self-medication
  • Addiction:   AA and Rehabilitation Methodology and Success rates
  • Grief:  The process of Grieving and Surviving the Legacy of Suicide and losing a child
  • Spiritual Growth-There is Life after Death
  • The Other Side:  Stories of connecting with Chad on the Other side

 

  

GOOD GRIEF